One day before I leave...

Well today is my first and last day at home for awhile...tomorrow I am off to Calgary for 2 weeks or so.
Yesterday was my drive to Saskatoon for blood tests, 5am is way to early for me and I was a zombie for the first hour of driving and not really feeling very good but made it after 2 hrs of driving way to fast. Got there 20 minutes early because it's a first come first serve thing and was the third person so once the door was open I got in right away. Did a few errands around the city and then went to my first acupuncture appointment? Acu was neat to say the least...looking forward to my appointments I booked in Calgary. Then I drove home at normal speeds because I was wider awake, scared of police because it was a friday, and I was just going back to work so nothing to really rush home for, lol.
Got the call from the FC that my blood tests were good and my meds are all staying the same...I am pretty sure that's what I wanted to hear! I didn't bother asking for numbers because I didn't really know much of what they meant but I will next week while I am there.
Injections are going ok... I did 3 pokes like nothing (finished off one pen and started another) ... And then the luveris siringe (no more psych outs...yay!). The luveris made me go wonky like one of the HCG trigger shots did... My eyes blurred out, my ears were ringing and I started to get weak and sweat. I felt around the medicine cabinet for the thermometer and plopped on the couch... My temp was 101.0 so I waited it out for 15 minutes and everything was good but my ears, took temp again and it was 100.7. So I took some Tylenol as the IVF nurse said it was ok to take that...finally my temp went down to 99 and I figured that was ok!
All is good now though and hopefully that doesn't happen again tonight.

Better get my ass in gear and finish packing and cleaning the house.
Chow!

Glad to be home!!!

Well that was quite the Monday/Tuesday... what a shit show! My last post was when I got to Calgary and was in my hotel room bed. That night I hardly slept a wink and was up at 6:30 to get ready for the day (one good thing was that I got to check out the hotel where I will be staying for the 2 weeks!). Went to the clinic and got a blood test done at 8am and 10 minutes later went in for the quickest ultrasound in my life. The doctor did an internal said lining looks great, left ovary is excellent and right ovary has a large cyst measured it and done in a matter of 30 seconds! The doctor explained to me we had to wait for the blood tests to check the estrogen to see if it was a drainable cyst or not and I would probably get a phone call around 11am. So went shopping to a nearby mall and waited for the call... sure enough 10:50am get the call "Please be here in 10-15 minutes!". Jumped in the truck and zipped over there and had to wait for 10 minutes and I am nervous at the moment not knowing what was happening. The nurse took me in and I walked all of the way to the back where I had never been before. She told me we will be draining the cyst and I need to strip down to my nothings and put in the robe. She took my blood pressure and went over the procedure with me saying it was just like egg retrieval so it was just a trial run.
Went into the exact room where they do ER and ET (same as the picture they showed us at the IVF info session). Put my legs up in the holders, sanitized, the doc went in with an ultra-sound probe that had a guide beside it she said lining was good, wasn't the left ovary, yup it's the right. She said I will feel a good poke so I took a deep breathe and she said it was done and I didn't feel a thing, I wasn't the u/s screen and watched the cyst get smaller and smaller and then it was gone. She said she was taking the needle out and that hurt more than anything but still not bad at all, she showed me how much fluid she got out and wholly shit it was a fully vial!! So neat. I went back out of the room and had to sit in a chair for a bit and they went over my calendar with me and instructions on when to take meds and what not. Away I went... the after cramping was probably the worst feeling but really wasn't all that bad. You hear people say how ER is so bad and ouchie but it was a piece of cake and I have no fears come the ER now (besides they will be giving me drugs so I definately won't be feeling anything)... guessing the IV will be the worse part!

So all is good now, went home right after the drainage 5.5hrs later made it! Took out my meds right away, took my antibiotics, got my gonal-f pen ready and sat there for a good two minutes pinching my belly fat trying to work up the courage to just poke.... DID IT... click click click as the fluid is going in and done!! Got out the syringe and vials and mix up that needle and I actually thought it was fun.... Poke... and done! One day down and many more to go....

Stupid Cyst

Well today I had my baseline u/s.... On my drive there I thought I felt a twinge in my right ovary...when normally I get cysts in my left and that is what I feel right now.
On my drive home from the u/s clinic I called the fertility clinic as they should have had my results by then and told them to call my cell phone. I get home 1 hour later and here they called me on my home phone and left a message....CALL MY CELL WHEN I SAY CALL MY CELL! Anyhow..I talked to the lady and she explained I had a large cyst on my right ovary and they need to do a blood test to make sure I am suspressing properly and that the cyst isn't producing estrogen. Also I will be getting another ultra sound so they can look at it themselves. Then will be the procedure for them to burst the cyst...they said it's the same procedure as the egg retrieval but without the iv drugs...eel. Not sure what to think about that!!!!
But I asked if this could still get cancelled and she said no they will take care of it all and I should be starting my injections tomorrow in the pm after all of this.
Then there is a drive home for over 5 hrs! Booooooo....

Wish me luck!

Easter Weekend...and some family thoughts.

Today I am feeling all crampy and bloated and wanted to lay in bed all morning!! But instead I have been up since 6:30 to sniff my meds that cause me to be pre-menopausal and couldn't go back to sleep after trying for 2 hours!! The sister inlaw called to go for a walk and I almost said no but I am glad I never!! What a beautiful day it is out there (minus the wind), we went for a long and fast paced walk and hit up some of the country side (the smell of cow shit and all). Got home and took off my jacket and had titty sweat and the whole shi-bang... yay for me that I don't have to feel guilty for not doing a work out with Jillian Michael's today.

Yesterday was a long day though even though only an hour of it was only the real annoying part. It was Easter at the Inlaws... excellent people and they know of our circumstances. Hubby's 2 sisters have 7 kids altogether (3 & 4) all under the age of 8 and I watched every one of them grow up from baby to now. This Easter was hard and I really didn't think any of this bothered me but it was all about the kids, the Easter bunny and egg hunt. I was not interested in any of it.... and I said no that's ok I don't want to go outside and freeze my ass off to watch kids scream, cry, run... so a few of us stayed inside and worked on a puzzle, ate some snacks, and chatted.  Then after supper it was dishes time, me and the brother inlaws fiance got up to put stuff away even though we don't know our way around the kitchen that well but we managed to get them done EVERY HOLIDAY!!! You know what hubbies sisters do???? FUCK ALL or find something else to make them "look busy", the one said "It's nice to have the Step sisters do all the dishes", so hubby calls them both "Anastasia & Drizella"  and us other two Cinderella's (thank hun!!). The one sister who had he first comment didn't like that so pouted and then got up and helped out! The other... sat there there... drank her coffee, played with her kid..... FUCK THAT!! So next Thanksgiving if this happens again I think I might flip out! There is excuses all the time~ or little comments that make me want to strangle them. Like "When you have kids we will do the dishes!"... ok your husbands are quite capable to watch the kids for the short time it takes to do dishes!

Then it was the egg dying... Mother Inlaw always wants to try something new with dying the eggs to see how it turns out so I am always the one who tries it out. I did the eggs all up, put it in the cups I chose and watch it like a hawk because this is the only egg I am doing to make her happy. I turned away for one second and BAMN a kid tries taking it out and crack! Ok kids will be kids and shit happens but me PMSy, no kids, I am starting to feel very annoyed. I say it's ok, stick around and watch and take a few pictures for the moms with them dying eggs with there kids and then I bolt back to the puzzle as soon as I was done taking pictures. I needed my alone time in a quiet spot....

~~~~OK THAT RANT IS OVER!!~~~~ Today is a good day!!

Today is Easter with my family!! Love them all! LOVE LOVE LOVE my sisters kids and I feel much closer with them than the 7 other kids. She has two of the cutest girls ever so I can't wait to see them. One just got her tonsils lasered out and might be down and out and the other little stinker is at the doctor as we speak with puss at the back of her throat, hopefully she gets some meds to get better. At the back of my head I keep thinking, please don't get sick, please don't  get sick... that's the last thing that I want right now. But I am tonsil free so if it's tonsilis I am good to go and won't have any worries!!
It might be an awkward day today though... by no means is my family perfect!

• I have a brother I have seen or spoken to in over a year (pretty sure he didn't answer the phone so he isn't coming home as always)
• My dad is a walking time bomb in my mind and it makes my eyes water to just type that (he had a stroke and a heart attack) and is on meds and shouldn't be drinking anymore but still does after two scares (or warnings in life as I like to call them). Some people don't get warnings so he should consider himself very lucky and I do just to still have him around! But my mom always says that drinking is his "social" way of life and it would be like life would quit if he didn't... sometimes I think she is just covering for him and maybe he has a drinking problem??? My dad and I are really tight though... he likes to think he was the one who raised me and my mom had nothing to do with it (funny funny). My dad and I are very much alike! We hunt together, we are both tough emtionally, both speak out minds.... I could keep going.
• My mom is the rock in our family and keeps it together. She is amazing and supportive and full of advice.
• My sister who feels like a twin to me! We are 6 years apart but seem like the same person in most ways. She is more like mom in some ways as I am more like my dad. She wouldn't hurt a fly, as I hunt big game. She would someone talk shit about her, and I would say something directly to that person. But other than that... my goodness... we watch the same TV shows, listen to the same music, think EXACLY alike... I say something before she even can. We don't even have to ask eachother for opinions because we know what eachother would say but still do for some re-assurance!
• The brother inlaw (my sisters husband)... he is another story and that is why it might be awkward today!? I am not sure what to think of this all... but he hasn't always been there for my sister and he recently had an "incident" involving drinking and jumping out of a moving vehicle and smashing his face to the pavement (resulting in a broken/bruised face/and ego). I haven't seen him since this has happened and I think he is quite imbarrassed about it (or at least should be)but the upside is he getting help. So I am happy to report he is getting help but I just hope he can follow through with it all... I just hope he will always be there for my sister and her girls from now on because if he can't, it may break there family up :(

That's all a lot I had to say today but if you are reading this post now you know a little more about me, my family, and the struggles that everyone goes through even beyond infertility.

What a day...

So work was ok but I was very pmsy. My boobs are so sore I can hardly touch them... and people tell me it's going to be 10 times worse when I have babies (I bag to differ). I went from a small B to a good C in my mind! Major spillage out the B cups today! lol
I called the Pharmacy and told them I was ready for my debreifing on the injections and meds and what not.... of course I had to leave a message and they would call back (still mad that they don't answer the phone anywhere to do with fertility... wonder if they have some crazies who call all the time and they just screen those calls, hope that doesn't turn into me). Anyhoo I got a call back and the lady who called me wasn't even able to go over them with me when I clearly stated on the message that's what I wanted to do! So she said the Pharmacist would call me back when she had a moment. Got the call at 2:30 and normally they are only open until 2pm so I was shocked! The lady was amazing and kind and joked... it really made me feel better in the end! She re-assured me that it's fairly hard to screw up and that I will do fine (I don't like hugging but I would have probably hugged her!).

Right after that phone call I felt crampy so when to the bathroom... wiped and here is AF showed up with no warning other than the boobs and PMS! lol. Normally there is some sort of spotting first and then she comes full red but nope! So now I am worrying that she came too soon. As my first u/s is only on CD5 and I would only start my meds then at the earliest!? I dunno... guess I gotta go and see what others did online! I love having internet friends who have gone through the same things to compare to!
I called in my Day 1 as instructed to, so I might be getting a phone call from them.

Thinking back....
When I first got my calendar from the IVF nurse I was leary about the dates because I told her I had such a short cycle 24-26 and that the u/s would have ended up being CD32. She said sniffing would lengthen it but it only did by 2 days so will I be starting stims soon enough? Will embryo transfer be too late in my cycle that they won't have time to bake in the oven? That is all to say if I even get there.... the thought is still in my head that this could get cancelled anytime along the way... and I know that thought needs to stay there because it very well could get cancelled (happens to the best of us). I will plan for the worst and hope for the best through this whole dang journey and try not to get my hopes up too much!

What to pack?

I have been nervous to pack but I know I better get started sooner than later! I will be staying in Calgary in a hotel room for 2 weeks. And for the first week it's just going to be me, myself, and I. Hubby is going to be super busy at work and can't really leave them hanging at work which I am totally fine with (right now). He has to be there the day before egg retrieval and the day after... so pretty much 3 days.

Here's my list so far... please feel free to post more items you think I should pack!!

Calgary List

·         Ipod and ear buds

·         Ipad/charger cord

·         Sewing machine and jeans (going to make a jean quilt)

·         Vitamins

·         Medicine

·         Phone charger

·         Wireless router incase they only have free wired connections.

• comfy clothes incase I am feeling bloated.
• normal clothes, undies, socks... etc.

It could have been last month...

So my friend who is going to the same clinic as me did an IUI last month with them and it didn't work. She got the call for IVF starting this month. But yet when I did an IUI in February I wasn't allowed to start in March.... does this make sense? None what-so-ever... especially because she was on a higher dose of clomid than I was and I was told I needed to bleeds before even getting offered. She asked the IVF nurse twice and she said no you definately can go ahead! So that's great for her and I am VERY happy that she can move on so fast!! But mad at the same time that I couldn't have been there last month!!

This IVF procedure I am missing one of my long time friends weddings because I will be stuck in Calgary and it's my hubbies busy time at work (bad timing) but we do what we gotta do.

I love being able to compare everything with her because she gets some info I didn't and I got some she didn't. I thought if I had a cyst that I could get cancelled but nope she said they burst it so it would be a few extra days and that's it... so that was wonderful information to hear. Also we compared meds and are taking completely different ones... I have gonalF with luveris and she just has purgeron. I still don't know why I am taking luveris because another lady I got some gonalF from didn't have to take it. This luveris is making me a little scared because I have to make each needle myself! It's a water with powder... so I will have to put the water into the needle, put the water into the power vial, mix it, put it back into the needles and then inject. The gonalF pen... not really scared about.

The sniffing is going just fine and dandy... looking forward to Monday (my ultrasound day). Want to know when I am starting meds and when I have to drive back to the city for blood tests.

I wish I would have started this sooner....

Our Timeline

• March 2008 went off birth control - I think birth control was turning me into a crazy person after so many years so I thought it was time to go off and clean out my system good before we were ready to "Try".
• January 2009 Started TTC - I was still 'Duh' to the whole TTC process and thought it would take a maximim of 6 months.
• July 2009 had sharp pains on side and Doc sent me for an u/s. U/s showed cyst had just ruptured. - This didn't feel pretty, I remembered I was going with my friend to try on bridesmaid dresses and damn it hurt and I was keeling over (I knew it wasn't my appendix because it was on the left side). Dr. M sent me for an u/s and they only wanted me to go in 2 months but my mom (in healthcare) put her foot down and got me in within the next few days!! Thanks Mom!! The u/s tech wasn't supposed to tell me anything but I looked it up on Dr. Google enough to know what I was talking about and to ask questions and he told me the answers (thanks Mr. Techie).
• August 2009 Starting to wonder so got OPKs - Got the expensive ovulation preditor kit with the 7 sticks and I was determined to get the timing down perfectly so the cysts wouldn't come back. Joke was on me I guess.
• January 2010 went to family Dr. and DH went for a s/a and I did Day 21 bloodwork. Got a call back and my bloodwork shows I am ovulating. DH's morphology is so so. - Just started to get the ball rolling here medically.
• February 2010 get 2nd s/a to compare results after DH started vitamins and took antibiotics to make sure there is no infection. Call back and refered to a Urologist just to check things out. Meanwhile I get on a waitlist to see an OBGYN at my request to get more checked out on my end. - I really don't think we waited long enough to get the 2nd s/a done but whatever.
• April 2010 DH goes to the Urologist and she thought all was fine but sent him for a scrotal u/s to just make sure there was no varicoles. - The doc called us back (thank goodness we didn't need to drive over 3 hrs back) and she said everything looked good and that IUI's should do the trick for us as long as everything looks good on my end. I went for my initial consult was the the OBGYN and he booked an u/s and bloodwork for Day 3 & 21. Numbers looked good, started to wonder then what the hell is wrong!?
• May 2010 I get an HSG done by the OBGYN... TUBES ARE CLEAR! YAY! - I remember having to go for a blood test first to make sure I wasn't pregnant, the lab techs were just opening the doors and they all kept ignoring me like I was just there for a chair to sit on. Finally a lady came and took me in and one.....poke it was done. I went and stood in line at the xray lab and I got in right away and the people waiting gave me a good glare. I went in my little closet of a room, stripped down to my skivvies (all but the socks of course!). Waited....waited... watied... finally a nurse came and told me we were still waiting on the blood test results (by now the Advil they told me to take prior to have this done was not gunna do its thing anymore). But finally I got called in (hoping MAYBE...just maybe there was a chance that the blood test was going to come back postive. NOPE! Story of my life BFN! Hopped up on the cold metal xray table, waited for the doc and got right at it. It was a relief to get that out of the way and didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. I remember him have to blow up the balloon twice and it pinched really hard but what's a 2 second pinch? The nurse told me it was all done and that I could go and change. TMI coming up.... I stood up and he left a god damn straw for drain in me and I looked under my hospital cape thing and yup... I told the nurse and she was imbarrassed for the doc and was like "Oh I am so sorry", as I am leaking dye onto the floor threw this damn straw. Pulled out the straw and bolted back to my closet to put my clothes on and get the hell outta there!
• Somewhere in here I went back to the doctor and he told me my tubes were open and my u/s was good so the next step should be IUI's and I had to see the other doctor for that (THE MOST AWESOME DOCTOR IN THE WORLD DOCTOR!!).
• July 2010 Sign Consent forms for IUI's. Also get put onto the Saskatoon FC waitlist. We were camping this day and it was gloomy and we got a call from the clinic that does IUI's (my fav doc and also an OBGYN). It was only a 30 minute drive and I wanted to hit up Walmart so we drove into the city and read and signed our consent forms and I was just told to call in my Day 1. Then I went to Walmart and got my groceries and back a camping we went!! :)
• End of July called in a Day 1 and the Doc wasn't going to be around when I needed the IUI. Actually I was quite fine just a little disappointed but I thought... it's all good it will happen next month.
• August 2010 Called in another Day 1 "We're sorry he is gone to Toronto for a conference". Starting to get a little annoyed about this and the hubby can tell.
• September 2010 Call in Day 1 and we get to do our first IUI with 50mg of clomid. I had two really good follicles so doc warns it could be twins. Ending with a negative. Didn't even think for a second this wasn't going to work! In the 2ww I was looking up strollers for twins and everything!! So when my period came... OUCH that hit hard!
• October 13, 2010 (our anniversary) took 50mg of clomid and IUI cancelled due to early ovulation. Also get put onto Edmonton and Calgary FC waitlists. Hubby came along with me to this appointment just for an u/s to check on when our IUI date would be. Doc told me we missed the surge and IUI is not happening this month. But were told to still try on our own (Pfff... Riiiiiight). So I went out to he vehicle to tell DH (where he was waiting for me), my eyes were blood shot... one look at him and my eyes poured out tears. Trying to talk but sobbing... I told him my body is dumb and I already ovulated on CD8 or 9. We still went out for an anniversary supper and after a few days I got over it.
• November 2010 IUI cancelled due to a cyst. Upside got a call from Calgary FC and we can do the IVF info session next month and initial testing. Another freaking cancellation due to my dumb body!! Felt like it was my fault this wasn't happening and I felt like I let down hubby but he re-assured me that I didn't.
• December 2010 3rd attempt at IUI #2 was a go with 50mg of clomid. Ended in a BFN! Thought maybe we would have a Christmas present to ourselves but nope. Went for IVF info session, s/a, u/s, and consult. Signed the papers for IVF and are on the waitlist. The info session was on Thursday night in Calgary and we stayed in a hotel that night (what a waste of a hotel room when you can have hotel room sex). DH had his s/a first thing in the morning then we had to putz around for 3-4 hours waiting for our nex appointment. Finally I had my u/s, got in pretty much right away. The girl u/s tech took me in checked me over. I talked with her as she did it. Asked if she thought I had a heart shaped uterus because at one point one tech told me I did but it wasn't bad. She looked and looked and didn't think so. I was good to go and went back and put my pants on and I was told to wait to take my report directly to the doc (my next app). She came back and said sorry do you mind coming back in here I just want another persons opinion on your uterus, "ok lets get this all figured out while I am here!". Went back in and they both looked and talked and it was nothing (WOOHOO). Then we were almost late for our next appointment with the FC doc. We got in right away, talked to the nurse, talked to the doc and he said DH's s/a was excellent, my u/s was beautiful and he wasn't really sure why this wasn't working. So we agreed that IVF would be the next step so we signed out lifes away! They asked us to speak the the counsellor there, she was very nice, we discussed a few things and out we were within 5 minutes of talking to her and on the road. 5.5 hours later we are home! HOME SWEET HOME!
• February 2011 3rd IUI with 50mg clomid everything looks the best it ever has to the doc. BFN This was do or die! Last try with IUI's and if it didn't work we knew IVF was the next step. Had high high hopes that this would work (third time is supposed to be the charm isn't it??). It was hard to swallow that we would be doing IVF.... alot of crying and sleeping.
• Early March 2011 get offered IVF but had to decline because the doc wanted 2 cycles off of any fertility drugs :(  The IVF nurse called me and told me the calendar, when I would be in Calgary, when I had to go and get bloodtests. And asked if I had any questions. Umm yup...I told her I just did an IUI last cycle with my OBGYN and just making sure nothing there would hinder this. She said being it was only 50mg of clomid that it shouldn't be a problem but that the clinic likes to have you off any meds for 2 months prior to IVF. She called me back and said she had bad news... I held my tears in until after I got off the phone with her. Son of a B&^*#... deep breathes. Thought it had to be next month then and we should be at the top of the list.
• End March 2011 got offered IVF and was given the calendar. This time it was a go and I was so excited!! I finally told my boss of everything that was going on and he was surprised but very supportive. We hired a part time lady on as I was CRAZY busy at work and that way she would be able to cover while I have to stay in Calgary for the 2 weeks. She's such a quick learner and very flexible so I am happy!
• Somewhere in here I got my package from the Pharmacy in the mail. WOW OVERWHELMING!! I had to take a couple deep breathes again and read through everything 3 times until I understood it all. For some reason I thought I would just be doing pen injections and not have to make my own needles (mix water with power in the syringes). Oh boy this could be interesting... will wait to look at that again until the time comes!
• April 10th 2011 Started Sniffing Suprefact to shut down ovaries. It's really not as bad as I thought! I can taste it at the back of my throat sometimes but I know it could be worse!
• April 25 2011Baseline u/s. This I am nervous about because I might get called and told I have a cyst and they are cancelling me once again (story of my life) or it's the call and that I start injections that night. TIME CAN'T GO FAST ENOUGH!!

It's time....

So I finally decided it was time for me to create a blog! I have been wanting a timeline/calendar to go back and look at the journey we have been through. So I have some work to go back and get dates but I know I will really appreciate it in the end!!
Wish me luck!!!